It cannot have escaped the attention of many that cartoon representations of major prophets are all the rage. Whether you are a band wagon jumper or have been genuinely interested in this phenomenon down through the years, you are likely to find this step by step guide to drawing one particular sage most enlightening.

A bad day in the nation for guys named Scooter. Chips and Skippers everywhere are quaking in their boots, waiting for the next grand jury fallout.

Nearly anonymous Typepad author GP Bogs, known for his conservative views, irreverent wit and cheesy picture pasting has been missing from his job as chief entertainment to three prominent members of the blogging community for the past seven days. Blogs' last entry was the classic February 25 birthday tribute to the member of his immediate family known only as "The Teenager."

Los Angeles police have scoured Blogs' recent entries on the seldom-traveled web site "Gentlemen Prefer Blogs" for clues to the brilliant, but troubled, writer's strange disappearance.

"We think this may have some connection with the Hunter Thompson thing from last week," offered chief detective Robert F. Golfball, "'cuz we heard this guy shot his mouth off sometimes and coulda made a few enemies.

"My first theory was that this may have something to do with his strange moniker. Blogs, y'know . . . it's not your usual name. But I guess people who live in glass houses shouldn't run out of Windex, if ya know what I mean."

At the mention of the clear blue cleaning fluid, a large man of Greek extraction emerged from his vantage point as Chief Crowd Lurker, loudly proclaiming, "Weeeeenn-dex . . . Eeeeet feeexes av-a-ry-ting!"

"I miss the big lug," sobbed his wife, Mrs. Blogs, better known to the initiated as "She Who is From Venus."

"Sure we fought occasionally over the Venus thing. I always saw myself as more of a Saturn or Pluto gal. But He Who Controls the Keyboard controls the naming rights in this family and GP certainly was a control freak when it came to his dammed blog."

When this reporter asked the lovely Mrs. B. if she meant that reference to be "damned blog" she was shocked, appalled and left gasping for breath.

"No, I never use such language! I mean to say he had a bad case of writer's block. Everything was backed up and nothing could get out. He had literary constipation. For days he had used our daughter's sixteenth birthday as an excuse to fill up page after page. But, truthfully, he hadn't really published anything of substance since that piece he did on the CD rewinder some time back. That was a nice one."

So far no one has come forward to claim dibs on this near-potential possible crime. But questions must be asked. Leads must  be followed. Every cliche in the book will be dusted off and checked for fingerprints.  Only then will authorities know whether they are looking at a case of poor kidnapping judgment or simply one more runaway blogger.

"If you see him," wept the Venusian One into her lace hanky, "please tell him . . . tell him . . . "

But because she was overcome by emotion Mrs. Blogs finished her thought with elaborate hand gestures and a stunningly improvised pie chart. She is believed to be headed for the dessert bar at The Hometown Buffet. Her bizarre behavior renders her a prime suspect in this unfolding drama.

Ongoing . . .

Whew! What a relief.

At least that's how I'm feeling tonight given today's stunning revelation that "Desperate Housewives" star Maria Cross has emeged from the hetrosexual closet and admitted to a breathless world she is not a lesbian.

"I'm not," the ABC star told Barbara Walters on today's edition of "The View" offering one of the dullest two word denials in recent memory.

Cross then threw caution to the wind and an apparent bone of hope to every right wing conservative whack job skulking in the bushes carrying a hand grenade in one hand and bouquet of roses in the other, by protesting too much. "I just assumed this is what comes of being 42 and single."

The woman who plays Bree on the Prime Time soap just couldn't shut up about her newfound sexual revolution: "I don't know if they just needed to find a reason why I wasn't married."

Cross joins a long list of other upstanding Americans who are also not lesbians including New York Mets catcher, Mike Piazza, country singer Hank Williams Jr., "Peanuts" leading lady Lucy and Your Humble Reporter, who has both the plumbing and the offspring to defend the sordid allegations.

Barbara Walters refused to comment when I rhetorically asked the television set on which she was appearing why the sexuality of another was any of her business.

Richard Gere was suspiciously absent from the roundtable discussion, citing a prior commitment to host "Animal Kingdom."